| My vagina and other things |
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| 05:58pm 29/10/2007 |
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mood:  cheerful music: Incubus -- Warning
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Well, I dealt with this disease the best way I know how, and that is ... GET DRUNK AND CRY! Went to the bars on Sunday (a week ago) with Shawns sister Sarah and her man Andrew, my brother Stephen, and friend Pammie. Good times really. I mean, up until the levees broke :) We went to Thumbs, a hole in the wall that rocks and is really my kind of joint. Smoked on the patio, which was cool... bartender too if i remember right. Anyway, it was difficult to get me to go to bed.
The next day I showed up to work at like 10:30, stayed til 12 or 1 ish. At that point I called Shawn (yes, I know, shut up) and took up his whole lunch break crying to him about how I could never have babies (maybe) and how there's always something wrong with me and how this explains how fat I've gotten.... etc. He was nice to me about it and reassured me everything would be fine and how I'd always be beautiful and stuff.
I went to Cambridge and picked up a new kitten for Cassandra - she/we'd been talking about wanting another one. Her name is LaLa, and she's poofy and adorable. I stayed at home all day and felt sorry for myself.
I had a crappy week, generally. I'm pretty open with both my bosses so they knew what was going on. By the end of the week i decided I probably shouldn't have told them anything because they kept asking me "Is today a better day?"
Arthur and Jason turned 21 yesterday, so we went to court avenue in des moines on Saturday night - got there about midnight, and went to the bars til like 4 ish. I wasn't in costume but I looked hot anyway :) It was super fun - those of us who went are all pretty independant people, so we could go off on our own in each bar without having a shadow. That was kind of nice. Adolfo happened to be out there because he worked that night, so for SOME RETARDED REASON we had him drive us back to ames. I'm so glad I was passed out for that ride!!
Anyway. I just got off of work about 1/2 hour ago and I think I'll go to Walmart to cash my paycheck and pay bills and shit. Good times.
OH - I joined a gym and I've been doing good at going so far. I need to lose weight super badly, becuase PCOD makes you gain weight and puts you at a higher risk of Diabetes. Anyway. All is going well there. I stocked my fridge with fruits and veggies and the cupboards are loaded with whole grain everything.
Alright hope that was long enough for everyone.... /sheepish! |
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| For any of you who don't already know |
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| 08:12pm 11/09/2007 |
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THIS IS SUCH A HUGE DEAL FOR GAY RIGHTS! and in Iowa? Who knew.
Gay marriage ruling put on hold
BY JEFF ECKHOFF AND ABBY SIMONS
REGISTER STAFF WRITERS
August 31, 2007
212 Comments
The Polk County Recorder's office stopped accepting marriage license applications from same-sex couples around 11:30 a.m. today.
The move came shortly after Polk County Judge Robert Hanson agreed to suspend his Thursday ruling that overturned Iowa’s ban on same-sex marriages pending an appeal by the Polk County Attorney’s Office to the Iowa Supreme Court.
Polk County Recorder Julie Haggerty responded immediately by refusing to accept any more same-sex marriage license applications. County officials said 21 marriage licenses were issued before 11:30, most apparently to same-sex couples.
Haggerty said the same-sex couples likely will receive some sort of letter explaining why their license, which would have become valid next week under a mandatory three-business-day waiting period, now will not be accepted.
One couple, Tim McQuillan and Sean Fritz, both Iowa State University students, managed to complete the entire process — waiver, license and wedding — before Hanson again closed the door on same-sex nuptials in Iowa.
It’s not clear whether their marriage will remain legally valid.
“I have no idea what’s going to happen there,” Haggerty said. “As far as I’m concerned, they have a valid marriage certificate from the state of Iowa.” |
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| survey - sorta neat, courtesy of K dizzle. |
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| 01:39pm 22/08/2007 |
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<lj-cut text="Fun">
--------------10 years ago--------------
1.) How old were you?: 11
2.) Where did you go to school?: Edwards Elementary
3) Where did you work?: I was a papergirl around that time, I think.
4) Where did you live?: Ames, IA, with my parents
5.) Where did you hang out? HyVee, the park behind my house, Katie’s
6.) Did you wear glasses? Yes, yes I did.
7.) Who was your best friend? Katie Norlin.
8.) How many tattoos did you have?: dude.
9.) How many piercings did you have? None – my mom insisted it was a bad idea, because her parents forced her to have hers done. Weird… she sorta forced me NOT to, so same thing, right? No. maybe.
10) What car did you drive? yea right!
11.) Had you been to a real party? I remember Sara G. had a mexican fiesta birthday that was an effing blast. Karly had a sleepover and I ruined it because my mom wouldn’t let us watch Edward Scissorhands. Geez.
12.) Had you had your heart broken? No, but I had crushes on just about every boy EVER at edwards. Including but not limited to: Jordan H, Blake G, Andy D, Roy E (yes, true), and Travis J.
13.) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: Single
-----------5 years ago-----------
1.) How old were you?: 16
2.) Where did you go to school? Ames High
3.) Where did you work?: Taco Johns! I used to make out with the manager. EW.
4.) Where did you live? Ames, Iowa
5.) Where did you hang out? 16…. Pammie, Nicole, Cassandra
6.) Did you wear glasses? I think so, sometimes, and I had contacts.
7.) Who was your best friend? Nicole and/or cassandra
9.) How many tattoos did you have?: zero
10.) How many piercings did you have?: three in each lobe and cartalidge
11.) What car did you drive? I drove my dad’s van most often but sometimes my mom’s buick.
12.) Had your heart broken? No. I was a slut and I didn’t have a heart. Hey, when you’re easy, you have a lot of sex and very few hard feelings.
13.) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: Single… I went out with Eric M for a while but I think I was 17. When I was 16 I think I was just pretty much a whore.
----------------2 years ago------------------
1.) How old were you?: 19
2.) Where did you go to school?: Bradley U
3.) Where did you work?: Heuser Art Building – hell yes. That was rediculous because I’d go, clock in, go drink for a while, then go back and clock out. I took a 6-11 shift on Fridays, how retarded.
4.) Where did you live?: Geisert, with Sara
5.) Where did you hang out?: Random college parties, Doyle’s, my room was the pregame room, we spent a lot of time there.
6.) Did you wear glasses?: I wore contacts I think?
7.) Who was your best friend? Myself! I was a bad person to all my friends that year, thanks to Chad “suck a fuck” Baker. At least I like to blame him.
8.) How many tattoos did you have?: none.
9.) How many piercings did you have? Just my ears. I’d had the nose done but they took it out in jail. Bastards.
10.) What car did you drive?: no one’s – I’m a drunk driver and Im not allowed.
11.) Had your heart broken? I thought so – but turns out I never really loved him.
12.) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: taken
--------------------Today--------------------
1.) How old are you?: 21
2.) Where do you go to school?: DMACC, baby! Medical Transcription program. Very exciting\sarcasm.
3.) Where do you work?: 3M
4.) Where do you live? Ames, Iowa. I always come back!
5.) Do you wear glasses?: sometimes. When I’m too broke for contacts or just lazy.
6.) Where do you hang out?: home, Alisons, Rachels, Element
7.) Who's your best friend?: eeeeh… I don’t know? Alison, Cassandra, I have close friends but I don’t think I have a best friend.
8.) How many piercings do you have: lobes 3x, tragis, and nose. I’m a badass.
9.) How many tattoos?: zero. I want one though. Have to figure out which part of me will get fat slowest…. Ya know?
10.) What kind of car do you have? Sold that bitch! It was a 2000 Ford Focus.
11.) Has your heart been broken?: yep, sure has. Try not to think about that/him.
12.) Are you Single/Taken/Married/Divorce? Married to pay-per-view porn and my right hand. You think I’m joking? No I’m just hanging out I guess. Single. Looking to mingle. SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUt. Lol. </lj-cut> |
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| real quick |
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| 04:46pm 15/08/2007 |
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Karim = hot, peace-loving dude from the islands, mon.
he got into the muffin shop!! and tried again last night. but no. hard to get.
I left early from work yesterday to see shawn and just about cried. wtf. he said he'd always love me. TEAR!
aaah gotta go to group/treatment/whatev. Karim is picking me up. hell yes. |
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| one more thing |
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| 03:40pm 13/08/2007 |
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Really quick, about Tuenday - he really seemed like a pusher. You know those guys that you go down on who grab your hair or head and force you to deep throat?? I hate that shit. I think I got that impression because of how dominant he was...
Also, Jeff is old. Old and naive. big wiener though. lol
ooooh i'm glad I can look back on stupid shit i do and just laugh. laugh out loud. |
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| My 21st Birthday |
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| 03:23pm 13/08/2007 |
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I had my DUI class on my actually birthday (Friday) but on Saturday Alison came over and we went to the bar.
First we went to the Corner Pocket and watched people finish up a game of pool - Zach from WAY back in the day was there! that was neat. Tad bought me my first official birthday shot and Alison threw down for my first birthday pitcher.
We then went to the Bali, where Bretts band was going to play. Honestly, I dont think I stayed there long enough to hear them play... but I don't remember. More birthday shots, hypnotic and hennesey, BLACKthefuckOUT!
Met up with Cindy somehow and lost my purse, either at a different bar or at the afterparty we went to. Supposedly everyone at that party was gay, but I managed to find someone to go home with. haha. SLUUUUUUUUUUUT. ok. i know.
I called a bajillion people, including my parents (at 3am). I think I was lost, because the guys who tried to give me a ride home told me later that I just kept saying "no, no, i just moved" and wouldn't/couldn't tell them WHERE i had moved to. SOOOO they dropped me off with this Jeff dude - different Jeff than a couple/four weeks ago.
The next day (Sunday) we (Jeff, Kamir and Sunny (the guys who tried to take me home), and Rachel (really neat girl with maybe a little too much ego)) went out to Petersons Pitts where I was far too hung over to enjoy the beach/sun/water. That's ok because i guess there was a big fish in there biting people anyway.
Went to Rachels house after a nap, and met Tuenday (don't know how to spell it? pronounced like Tuesday but with an N... so that's how i spelled it) who made it perfectly clear that he intened to get into my pants by the end of the night. I told him I was his pimp, and he couldn't do anything I didn't want him to do. That seemed to work? He was a nice guy just really aggressive.
Anyway, that was my weekend. Too much drink and a few new friends.
I don't really feel all that crappy about drinking. This was like, part of my master plan - I'd just drink on my 21st Bday and then get over it again. but the getting over it part isn't hitting me right anymore... I had fun, the parts I remember, and yeah. I dont know. I'm on the fence again! |
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| BLAAAAAH |
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| 08:01pm 19/07/2007 |
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I remember this time last year, I had ZERO responsibilities. I mean really. I got to work, I left (usually early, very rarely did I have a 40 hour week), I drank, I slept, I showed up to work again. Pretty much it.
NOW its like I feel like i have to do well at work. and I do, if I may say it... i never have received compliments or gotten awards like this while I was drinking. I have course work to do - not doing so hot there, but I'm getting things done. Add AA to the equasion, and I'm going bonkers. BONKERS!!
So. This past week, I've just kind of decided to.... stop. Quit. I am a quitter. I just want to BE for a while. I'm sure everyone thinks this way sometimes. Shut up and let me do what I want. No responsibilities, no worries, etc etc. is ALL i want right now.
I told my sponsor that I want to drink on my 21st (august 10). She was all "I totally understand, as a fellow alcoholic, why you're considering it" I'm supposed to do a gratitude list. Write down 3-4 things each day i am thankful for that weren't here yesterday. stuff like, my relationship with family, etc. it's supposed to remind me how much better things have gotten, i get the point of the exercise. plus we've got this THING on sunday that's like 5 hours long.... i'm anticipating that it will be boring. and then 5th step on Tuesday... I don't think that's happening.
I want to drink tonight. I'm crawling the walls. swear to god. This apathy shit is so RIGHT THERE instead of something that isn't part of my life. I've pretty much made up my mind to drink in the near future. My sponsor said to just make sure I can come back afterwards. She said, some of us just HAVE to leave and come back. A "try it on our own just one more time" sort of thing. So... that's ok. I don't feel like a bad person for having these feelings any more. She also reminded me that I shouldn't be thinking about what other people will say about me or how disappointed people will be. chances are, the first time I drink again, nothing bad will happen. the thing that will be hurt is my spiritual health, that i've grown like crazy the last 5.5 months.
cool. no one cares, but that was helpful. YAY! ok. great. i'm good. BREEZAY! i dont know what that means. Random words are indicative of happy moods with me.......... blah! |
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| 03:27pm 28/06/2007 |
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Well, i think i'm making progress.
Shawn came over on Monday -- actually, he was waiting outside my apartment when I got back from a meeting... after calling me 5 times and leaving 3 voicemails. ANYWAY. I had my ahoyhoy so we didn't DO IT but i did give him an undeserved blowjob. Eh, whatever.
didja hear that? i said, eh, whatever, and I meant it. I'm so effing complacent about the whole situation with shawn, it didnt bother me that ashley called him twice while he was over. not a bit. we watched a movie like normal people do and we didnt argue and i just didnt care. he was like an extra cushion on the couch. except for the blowjob. haaa!
i have to do my fifth step this week. the fourth step is where you write down all the shitty things you have done to people and everything you feel resentful about. the fifth is sharing that with "another human being" in my case, my sponsor, Mary.
**NERVOUS!!** |
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| SOMEONE please enlighten me?/ |
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| 02:08pm 07/05/2007 |
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Okay, so I never claimed to be fluent in politics, and I can't say I've paid much attention to the 08 race at all.... but I was recently sent an email - credible, but biased (my dad's christian weekly thing he forwards to me) - saying Barak Obama attended a Wahabi school in Jakarta. Basically this email was saying that he's been taught the same things that Muslim extremist/terrorists have been taught.
Number one. Anyone else heard this?
Number two. Am I right to be worried about it?
I have no qualms about having a non-Christian president (that's never happened, by the way), but I do REALLY wonder if "he'll use his powers for good". you know? I know by the way he was brought up (in various countries) that he'll have TONS of good to do for our foreign policies.
But at the same time, my gut says HOOOOOLD up. You know... not to be paranoid or whatever but what a perfect way to destroy the US, from the inside. WOOOOAH now I'm getting a little crazy, but i just want to hear your thoughts.
Anyone? |
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| 01:32pm 12/04/2007 |
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I'm such a bad employee - I've spent more time taking care of FAFSA shit and looking for a new job than I have working today. MEH.
I brought in one of those photo board deals - with ribbons across it to hold the pics up - and have rearranged it twice. SOOOOO BORED. BUT I will say it's nice to see some smiles in this dump.
Makes me nostalgic - I've got Lindsay and Kathy, Amanda and Tony, Kristen, TARTAR, Ashley... good times, lots of good times. I also feel terrible looking back at a lot of my time at Bradley though... I mean, it was fun, but I was just so so so self-absorbed and judgemental and alcoholic and I never thought anything was my fault... geeez when I make my amends for my 9th step in AA I'm going to have to road trip.
OH super, now I'm bored and depressed. :) Time for cigarette - every hour, on the hour, at least on days like today!
toodle pip. |
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| HOLLA |
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| 10:07am 06/04/2007 |
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You want to know the best thing about eating a kiwi? Well, I'll tell you. It's the seeds. They're a little bit of crunchy bliss in an otherwise unexciting piece of fruit. Sort of like life. If you've taken the time to read this, consider yourself one of the seeds in the kiwi of life. What I mean is... I want to eat you.
JOKES all jokes. But hey, seeds are great. And doesnt fruit make your hoohaa taste better? Of course, all things considered, I could give up the fruit game all together, since my fingers cant taste anything.
OOOOOOOH i'm nasty.
also in a good mood. WHATZAAAAAAAAAAAAP |
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| Ugh |
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| 11:00am 29/03/2007 |
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mood:  discontent
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King Harvest's "Dancin in the Moonlight" is playing out on the production floor and is being carried into the offices because of the acoustics of the building... This song reminds me of Shawn so much it makes me sick to my stomach. Now I'll spend the rest of the day thinking about how much love we had for so long and bite my lip to keep from crying until it starts to bleed. Sometimes I really miss him. |
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| on how sobriety is going |
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| 04:59pm 28/03/2007 |
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I made tons and tons of goals when I graduated from treatment in Feb. I've been doing well on all of them.
I've been reading lately, mostly out of AA approved literature, "Living Sober" and the Big Book, but also doing a little leaisure reading - Lillian Jackson Braun right now. Still haven't been writing regularly but the fourth step is enough writing for anyone - lets's say i'm saving up til then??
I'm at the gym every other day, minimum. Sometimes if I can swing it, I'm there every day.
I go to about 4-5 AA meetings each week, and have found a homegroup (a group I'm committed to) and a sponsor (think: sobriety mentor). Still going to aftercare, where Carly also goes, but I'm over that, I guess. Live and Let live, right?
Been working on praying more often - I know AA is a spiritual program and that spirituality is going to come naturally as I work through the process, but I think I need more than that. Still haven't made a committment to any church, but have a desire to get back to it. I do have a small group that I attend right before my homegroup each Monday.
IN OTHER NEWS.
I got offerred my boss' job. That is excellent. I would be in charge of 32 people, doing payroll, hiring, firing, keeping up with management, etc, and I haven't been here a year (ALMOST). That is the moving up I've been waiting for.
HOWEVER. I turned it down. I think my sobriety needs to take priority right now... not to say that work isn't important or maybe that I couldn't do it, but I prayed about it and consulted my sponsor and I just don't think I'm ready for something that big at this point in my life. I've been taking a lot of crap for my decision - my coworkers, my roomate, my mom, my 3M boss.... oh well. It's a personal decision. I told them I may be interested in a year or so, thanks for the offer.
I have decided to ask for a raise, though. Lately I've been recognized quite a bit for my contributions to the plant by all the right people. There are bids being made in hopes i will switch departments. My sponsor said maybe that's God's way of telling me I'm doing what I need to be doing where I need to be doing it. I tend to agree. I think this is the perfect time to ask for more money - while it's being made clear that I'm kicking ass at what I do.
Cool. I guess that's all for now kids!
Kindest personal regards,
Me |
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| moo |
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| 08:17pm 08/03/2007 |
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I'm so hungry! I just worked out, that might have something to do with it.
You'll never guess who was in Aftercare last night. For those of you who don't know, Aftercare is the optional (unless your PO makes you go) treatment after treatment. I graduated from the EOP (Extended Outpatient) group at the end of February. Anyway, you'll never guess who was there.
Carly.
This is the chick who I never really liked in the first place, for no particular reason, there was just something about the way she looked at and talked to me that just rubbed me the wrong way. She was also the girl that dated Chad at the same time I did, for the last (terrible) month anyway.
I didn't really say anything to her, I just said "Hi" and asked how she was doing - she said "Fine," with a sort of finality that made me understand there was not going to be a conversation. She's gotten thinner, which is awesome, good for her! I hope she dumped Chad. He was pretty much worthless. I mean, come one, a 33/34 year old going out with 19/20 year olds? The women his age already figured out he was a loser, so he moved on to the young and stupid. Eh, you live, you learn. |
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| I'm still here |
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| 04:38pm 26/02/2007 |
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I guess I haven't shared a lot about my work experience lately... I may or may not have said anything about having to be maintenance AND documentation in the plant... which doesn't make a lick of sense to me.
The main receiving guy is in the hospital, so I'm the lifesaver for maintenance for a couple weeks, receiving goods, stocking parts, basically stuff that anyone could do if they wanted to but hard enough for a non-maintenance girl to be frustrated often.
This has OKed me for overtime, which is the best part of it. I'm being fought over, sort of, which makes me feel like I'm essential to the plant - I mean, my quality boss wants me working for him (all the time, it's hard for him to give me up to maint.), the maintenance boss wants me working in the crib, and the engineers want me at all kinds of meetings. It's very flattering. Maybe they should just hire me full time. I mean, I am the most amazing temp they've had, yes? haha.
STILL BLEEDING. this is officially a 17 day rag and I don't have a clue what is wrong with me. I'm willing to believe that it's stress related. :)
You know, some of you know that I enjoy writing, some of you know that I've wanted to write an entertaining autobiography. I think I need to start. I think that might take some stress off, you know? it would be theraputic. I want it to be AA approved literature. I'll still call it "The Morning After", but it will be from a different angle than I'd previously considered.
Gotta go laminate shit. Peace. |
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| 05:51pm 24/02/2007 |
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Shawn is a dick, and I'm.... sad. Seriously, i know he was good for a couple weeks and then the whole "I'm more in love with you than I've ever been with anyone else" "We're perfect together" thing wore off... or something. as usual, my hopes were way too high.
Valentines Day. I planned this big thing. super. He's got pool league, so we're not doing anything til after 8. I called him about 9, he's drunk. SUPER. He teased me about being trashed, you know, the whole "I'm WAAAASTED! Naw, I'm just jokin'", which he only does when he's trashed. So.... He said he'll be over in about 30 minutes, his match is next, and can he stop over at Marshall's first? (Marshall=my neighbor, the only reason shawn would go there is to get high.) NO. I told him you know that this holiday is about love, not about you, this is for us, blah blah blah, i don't like to be with you when you're drunk especially since I'm in recovery, etc, etc.
FF>> 12:45am. Shawn walks in and passes out on my bed. I'm already asleep, so he wakes me up. I say "Um... what are you doing - you don't live here. You can't be here" He says that he was going to come straigh over but that I was being a bitch about him using so he came in late, sort of as a punishment. HOW MATURE. so i start pushing him off my bed, lalalala, he makes himself dead weight so i can't move him, dododododoooo and finally he leaves when i threated to call the cops. wow.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY.
so i'm officially alone. having very bad thoughts about my roomates, only because they're happy and i'm not. What feels the worst is that i know my anger with other people is irrational - i just can't shut it off. |
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| 03:29pm 12/02/2007 |
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I revised the scavenger hunt because I DECIDED I CAN'T AFFORD to do it today, tho i'm hoping by wednesday I'll be able to.
I cant afford it because i haven't gotten rent money - I paid everyone's part because Cass had lawyer bills and such, so... yeah. I'm really not good at bringing this stuff up because I know how it feels and how it makes people feel to owe money. So I asked Cass for grocery money - we do need groceries... but I was also going to get gas and reserve the hotel room. She got really defensive and asked me if I was "really that strapped for cash anyway?" uhm... yes, this week things will be tight for me until payday on Saturday. And if you have the money for rent...isn't it the right thing to do to pay your part? I guess I don't see how to NOT offend people in that situation. Because I get it, I do, it's nice to have a bit of extra cash, but not when you haven't paid rent at all... Instead the two of them go out to eat for every meal (EVERY MEAL) and buy new shoes. Not that it's any of my business.
I just can't help remembering what it feels like to be in over my head when all I did was try to help a brotha out. In other words, this is exactly what Shawn did in August. I gave up on expecting rent from him. He eventually did pay me actually, after i'd kicked him out.
Anyway, like I said, I'm really not good at living with other people. I just don't like to share my stuff. haha. It's true. I like things how I like them, and that's that.
Speaking of.... me and my brother are going to look at another house and an apartment on Friday. I figure I'll sign a lease now and get one of the SEVEN (or something) houses in the area that don't cost a million dollars a month. So far, i'm looking at paying the same as I do now... FOR MY OWN HOUSE. none of this apartment crap. To me, that's infinitely better. |
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chinesalsaparty's journal
frustrated